Eulogy.

To my iPhone 4.

Below is a picture of my last phone.

This phone has been with me through:
The awful and bitter end of a ten-year friendship/creative partnership.
3 breakups, and dozens of lesser follies.
My Dad getting cancer.

Also:

My Dad getting better.
Moving 1000 miles to LA from Portland.
Many wonderful and truer friendships than I thought possible this late in life.

When I see this pic it’s hard not to think of all the good times we had. It’s easy to overlook all the times the phone wasn’t working when I needed it most, or worse when it intentionally led me down roads it new weren’t the right ones. And having the old phone made it harder to see how awesome all the new phones were and how much more fulfilled I would be with the new phones. Sometimes we hang on for too long even when it’s not in our best interest because we really love something… or when we really want that something to love us.

Now that i have the new phone it’s clear that I should have tossed this one a long time ago. We had just grown apart.
I will miss you iPhone 4.
Thanks for hanging in as long as you did.
phone

An Idiots Guide to Online Dating 1.0

In light of my recent foray into online dating I’ve decided to offer some helpful hints in the hopes of sparing some of you the heartache and enormous amounts of time that I’ve wasted. Today we’ll tackle some do’s and don’ts of your profile composition.

1. Profile Picture.

Your profile picture is of the utmost importance. It’s the first thing that your potential mate will see, and if you are not rich, or don’t have a radical personality then it is the ONLY arrow in your quiver.

Remember Fellas, if you have great abs, take your shirt off in most or all of the pictures. Pointing to the abs helps as well. If you have ever engaged in an outdoor, physically oriented activity (i.e. camping, skydiving, dog walking) and have a picture to prove it, make sure to post that as well. Even if you’ve only ever done that activity once.

2. A Little About You.

When actually composing the text that will make up the body of the profile you have to put your best foot forward, and that can require some limber language.

For example I can’t just say “Commitment challenged 33 year old with propensity for short relationships seeks 25-38 year old woman who is unavailable emotionally or otherwise. Live far away? Even better. Married? I’m in love.”

I have to be more creative, which is not to say ‘lie’. But something like, “Outgoing hilarity artist seeks partner in crime! I’m looking for a Bonnie to my Clyde. Someone with whom to watch the sun set and rise again, someone to sneak wine into a theater with, someone who wants to kiss in every corner of the city…” That coupled with carefully curated lists of Music/Movies/Literature/Art, containing just the right amounts of weighted melancholy and popular frivolity, will nearly guarantee interest in your profile.

3. Who Are You?

Think long and hard about who you really are, and remember to not just be yourself, but be the best version of yourself you see ever being possible…

… and if that doesn’t work, try being tall.

Actuals.

This was an actual conversation I had with someone I met off OKCupid via text message. (I’m the green for the non-iphone users.)

After a bit of a silence she then said, “Does it turn you off that I live with my mom?”

In a word? Yes.
The fact that you used that phrase that way, combined with the fact that you’re 37, work in a call center, AND live with your mom does, in fact, ‘turn me off’.

OK Stupid.

I have, once more, decided to try Internet Dating. Because I never learn from my mistakes, or the mistakes of others.

So last night I had an internet date.

Her profile had what a couple of my friends who are women called, “Red Flags”. But again, I’m not particularly prone to heeding warnings. It said she sings “Nookie”, by Limp Bizkit when she goes to karaoke… We assumed this was an Ironic choice, because really… how could it not be? It listed “Atlas Shrugged”, by Ayn Rand as her favorite book, she’d read it four times. Finally, and the thing I was most worried about, she lives in Santa Monica, which might as well be Oregon. I then confessed to mostly just liking her pictures and the pithy things that she said about her own photos.

As it turns out, Candy (not her real name), my date last night, does NOT in fact sing “Nookie” ironically. In fact, she works in the music industry and credits this to the fact that in COLLEGE someone introduced her to KORN. Fucking KORN. In COLLEGE. She then showed me a picture of her and Jonathan Davis at a Grammy party.

When I mentioned that I was a little bit shy about drinking and driving she proceeded to tell me about the BREATHALIZER that she purchased and keeps in her car. She bought a really expensive one because she never ever wanted to drink and drive due to a family tragedy that was SO tragic I feel a moral obligation to omit it from this story on the very very small chance that she may one day read this.

Finally, she is from Arizona, and her dad is the Vice President of some company. Meaning she really, really, really does subscribe to the Ayn Rand Libertarian/Ron Paul view of the world, also, without irony.

All this aside she was cute, and tall, and sweet, so we kissed beside her car.
She was a good kisser.

I probably won’t call her again.

This is the lead singer of KORN.

KORN? Really...?

Spaceship

Sometimes, I’m standing in a place and I think, suddenly, about what is actually holding me there. And how gravity is, and how limited our understanding of it must be. Then the camera in my mind zooms out and I see the earth and the sun and I think about what and where we really are and how it’s just a rock. We’re just on a rock that hurling through this vast, expansive void and how cold it must be in space, I mean it gets pretty fucking cold here on earth too sometimes and we have lots of things to keep us warm and jesus how does the sun do what it does? I mean… just a minute ago I was standing in the shade and it was easily 10 degrees cooler than the direct sunlight. How is it possible that something that is as far away as that can affect us so dramatically, it takes like 15 minutes for the sunlight to get from the Sun to the earth right? Sometimes it takes me that long to take a dump… Then I think about how fast we are traveling around the sun and how small our little spaceship really is and how far we are from even the closest thing to us and I feel like I’m standing on top of an infinite mountain about to roll off. Like at any minute someone could come along and just knock me over and I’d fall through space forever like the bad guys in Superman 2… Then I notice that someone needs a pen, or the craft service table has a fresh pot of coffee and I’m like, “Sweet.”

UNDER Employee

Sometimes, with my work I get lots of jobs, and sometimes not. Sometimes I’m off work for a week or more. Sometimes at work I wish I could have just a little more time to work on the things I want to work on, like writing and stuff. Then I get a bunch of time off without warning and I have that time. Which lends me the opportunity to start thinking early in the day and second-guessing all the decisions I’ve ever made. I usually start by wondering if I’ll ever work again… I mean, did I bum someone out? I know that I forgot to ask for no onions but I hope that doesn’t mean they’ll never hire me again. WHAT IF THEY NEVER HIRE ME AGAIN. Oh god what am I doing, I should have become an art teacher like my grandmother said. I should never have moved so far from home. And seriously why DID my second girlfriend from college marry that weird looking dude with a shitty sense of humor, I mean COME ON. I’m funny. Right? Like, I’m pretty funny and nice and stuff and that guy is married to a beautiful, funny lady who is now a DOCTOR and he DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A JOB. I guess I don’t have a job either. I mean really, what have I done? Nothing. Well almost nothing. I DID find a sweet deal on a tv last week so… there’s that.

After a few days of this I usually get a job, and I’m really grateful for it. Cause I love to work. But shit… I just wish I had enough time to write all the things I wanna write. Then the microwave beeps and I am glad that my frozen chicken strips are done thawing.

We Are Fucked (4).

This is real product. That you can buy and ingest and regret.
Two Tacos. Fries. A cheeseburger. A coke.

When China’s economy overtakes ours, and the Republicans blame the poor people, and the poor people blame the poor people, I will be standing there shaking my head and simply holding up this advertisement.

We ate ourselves stupid, and we only have ourselves to blame.



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