This Is Not A Date...

We Are Fucked (4).

nathaniel — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 06:02:45 +0000

This is real product. That you can buy and ingest and regret.
Two Tacos. Fries. A cheeseburger. A coke.

When China’s economy overtakes ours, and the Republicans blame the poor people, and the poor people blame the poor people, I will be standing there shaking my head and simply holding up this advertisement.

We ate ourselves stupid, and we only have ourselves to blame.

A Very Brady Christmas.

nathaniel — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 21:32:49 +0000

Boy, I really learned a lot this year you guys.

I learned that I could, in fact, move to Los Angeles.
I also learned that I LOVE Los Angeles. This came as a bit of a surprise, cause all anyone ever says is shit like, “I need seasons!”, when they talk about LA. It’s true, there are only 2 seasons, ‘Completely Agreeable Weather’ and ‘Holyshit We Live in Paradise!’ So yeah, I guess if neither of those work for you then enjoy your snow drifts, or countless-consecutive-sunless days, and I’ll keep my year round 70 and cloudless.

I learned that no matter how good someone kisses, if your hair starts to fall out because of a relationship, it’s probably not worth it.

I learned that I love my job. I really just… love it. It’s amazing, due in large part to the amazing people that I frequently get to work with and around. How rad is that?

I got a fucking SPIRIT ANIMAL. Seriously. I have a spirit animal(s).

I learned that I don’t have to sit and count the mistakes that I’ve made, over and over again every night forever.

I learned that if you are planning on surprising someone with a vacation then you better find out in advance what they are planning on surprising you with in case it’s also a vacation and then you have to change ALL your plans at the last minute.

Mostly I learned that I love my new home. I love my friends and family. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Merry Holidays y’all.
P.S. Fuck the Tea Party.

LOVE
NNN

It’s Gonna Be Great: Karaoke Truck.

nathaniel — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 01:02:18 +0000

Dude, I’ve got the best idea EVER. Let’s get a truck, like the kind that usually sell tacos or hot dogs on street corners, and we’ll install a karaoke system in it right? Then we’ll park it outside like, parties, or actual karaoke bars where the wait to sing is too long and we’ll charge like, say 5 bucks for a song. BUT (and here’s where the idea goes from go-kart to GREYSKULL) we’ll G I V E them a beer with their song. HOW COULD THIS GO WRONG?! Seriously? Let’s do it. My cousin is a wedding DJ, he can probably show us how to use the equipment and stuff. I mean… this is a no brainer. People would be all, “Where’s the Karaoke truck tonight?”… and someone else would be all, “I don’t know I’ll check their twitter feed…” Right? Then they would like, start requesting us to come to certain places and maybe hire us for parties and stuff.

Holyshit dude… it’s gonna be great.

33 Year Old Nathaniel Justifies Buying a 12 Dollar Candle to 16 Year Old Nathaniel.

nathaniel — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:45:19 +0000

Look 16 year old Nathaniel… I know that when you bought gas it was like, ninety six cents a gallon and you could fill up your magic Geo Metro for LITERALLY less than 10 dollars and drive for over 300 miles, I know that. And I also know that cigarettes were only like a buck a pack, but this candle smells really good and even more importantly it matches the other candles I’ve already bought. It’s like… the same kind of shape candleholder and stuff. And I think that, you know, maybe later in life, you’ll appreciate the quality of a well made, good smelling candle… Cause honestly, not everything in life can be about Screeching Weasel records.

You should probably also know that you won’t always make $3.75 an hour at Chic-fil-A… in fact that won’t last very long at all. Pretty soon you’ll be at Kohl’s department store making $4.75 an hour, which will sound like LUNACY to you. But, trust me, it’s just the beginning.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… you might be surprised by the things that you come to enjoy later in life. Like… say, just making a really nice breakfast for yourself, or mopping your floor, or even doing a really good job at work. And, so after a week of working really hard, and cleaning your house, you might wanna sit down with a glass of red wine, and read a nice book while listening to Ryan Adams in a house that smells like Iowa Pine, with hints of Clove and Cedar.

Finally.

nathaniel — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:49:32 +0000

OH.
My.
God.

10 year old Nathaniel is about to get a HUGE heads up.

5 things you should never say again, or “Fuck Yeah!” is the new “Totally”. 2.0

nathaniel — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:38:08 +0000

This is just a little gift from me to you. Consider it a favor I’m doing you and please follow these rules strictly.*

1. I know, right?!
Stop saying this. Please. Everyone in the world, please. Just… stop. It’s a question statement that signifies nothing and asks even less.

2. It is what it is…
You might as well say, ‘Four equals Four’ cause you’ll sound just as fucking stupid.

3. High Five!
Both the action and the saying of said action are ridiculous. Do you and your friend a favor and just hug.

4. Literally.
I haven’t figured it out yet, but there has to be another way to express that your words mean their literal definition, and most especially if you do not know what this means… STOP IT.

5. Let’s do this!
Why don’t you just scream “DATE RAPE IS MY HOBBY!”

You’re welcome.

Love,
Nathaniel

* The author uses all the phrases mentioned in this list daily, and admits freely that his contempt is more for himself than for anyone else who may use these phrases.

Addendum

Special Addition.

I forgot the most important phrase, the one that started me on this whole thing.

“Living the dream. “

Really dickhead, working at Starbucks is your Dream? Or being a bartender? Is it just me or are your dreams of shockingly low quality. If you are really living your dream shouldn’t you be flying, or at the very least DRIVING A MUCH NICER CAR?

Third World Firsts.

nathaniel — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:47:28 +0000

The night before last the famous Santa Anna Winds ripped through my neighborhood and knocked my power out at 1am. The flashing green and blue lights from exploding transformers seemed especially eerie when set against the then completely dark neighborhood. It sounded and looked like a space war was happening on top of us.

In the morning, to my surprise, the power remained out. Luckily I had batteries for my radio and learned that about 300,000 other people were without power too. ALSO lucky for me my water heater was gas and so was my stove. I made eggs and took a shower and tried to go about my day normally. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to the coffee shop that I normally went too. I couldn’t go to the gym. I couldn’t really do anything but read or listen to NPR and when my phone ran out of power I would have to find somewhere to charge it, or drive around with it charging in my car.

By 4:30pm it was dark again. I walked to a El Chavo, a bar on Sunset and Fountain, to read and hang out till my friend got off work. The closer I got to Sunset the weirder things looked. A large stretch of Sunset was without power and there in a very busy and confusing intersection were two traffic officers directing traffic. All the shops looked like Ships that had run aground years ago. The car headlights were the only source of light and they looked like tracers from a bad idea as they whizzed past.

El Chavo was closed. “Of Course.” I thought. I walked around for an hour and a half looking for a place to read. I kept thinking about the time that I went into a Fred Meyer’s one night a couple years ago. I needed floss, but they were out. I needed some bread, but they were out. I needed some pretzels. Out. Everything I looked for was gone and I thought, “This is what it’s like for everyone else.”

This morning when I went home and finding the power STILL out, called the Power Company. Surprisingly, they answered right away, and they said power would be restored in the next 48 hours. My heart sank. This really IS how they live in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in all those places I hear about on NPR. As I was pulling out of the driveway my porch light came on. I went back inside my house and turned the lights on and off and marveled at the flashing numbers on the stove, microwave, and alarm clock. FINALLY, I can listen to records and read, or take a shower after 4pm.

... but LOOK at this view!

Hair Cut.

nathaniel — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:31:47 +0000

I got my haircut yesterday. I think my hair is nice. I like it. And I was super happy that the other day someone had said that my hair was “pretty”. I was relaying this to my hair cutter. She’s a sweet person, a native of LA, and very stereotypically LOVES gossip.

Anyway, I said to her that someone had said my hair was “pretty” and that I thought that was awesome.
She said without hesitation, “They probably just meant you had a lot of it.”

“Oh…” I said, “so… they didn’t mean that my hair was actually pretty.”

“Well, when they said it was pretty they probably just meant you had a lot of it, cause you have a LOT of hair.”

I double clarified this just to make sure, “Not that it’s pretty just bountiful.”

“Yeah…”

Thanks hair cut lady.

Isn't he/she darling?

We Are Fucked (3)

nathaniel — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 02:27:33 +0000

Take my money... Please.

Look closely in the right hand corner of this photo.
These dryer sheets will not only eliminate static, they’ll make your laundry smell like fresh linen. They will make your laundry smell, LIKE FRESH FUCKING LAUNDRY.

It’s not even CLEVER. It’s the marketing equivalent of a hobo with a sign that says, “Why lie… i need a beer.” No shit dickhead. Thanks for ruining this for both of us. How am I supposed to give a bum money if we don’t both pretend it’s the right thing to do to help him feed himself. Likewise for you Bounce… at least make it smell like some other bullshit flavor. My favorite being “Rain”…

Other new products to be on the look out for are: Milk Flavored Milk, Baguette flavored bread, and Pie flavored Pumpkins.

UPDATE.

nathaniel — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 18:39:21 +0000

It’s been almost five months since I moved to Los Angeles and I haven’t been posting on my blog much because I’ve been trying get my footing and my LA Legs and such. I have some thoughts about this place that I’ll save for later. For now though, an UPDATE:

Since I moved here:

I Have Been Evicted.
My room mate at my first place annoyed the landlord by asking her to fix the toilet too many times. I know, what a bitch right? And the Landlord responded by terminating the month to month rental agreement. I had lived there less than 2 months at that point.

I Have Moved twice.
AND, I have to again at the end of September from the place I moved into after that. If you would like to send me something in the mail I would like that but you should wait till I figure out where I’m going to be for the next year. The next move will be into my own apartment. No room mates. It will be small. It might not be beautiful or perfect. But it will be mine alone and I will live there for at least one year.

My Car Was Shot.
I wasn’t in the car. I went out to my car to go to work and there was a bullet hole in the trunk. I called the cops, held the line for 10 minutes and was promptly hung up on when someone finally answered, because the connection was too poor. LAPD: to Serve and … fuck it, let’s get a Jamba Juice.

I Got a Girlfriend.
If I had to describe her in one sentence it would be: La Face with an Oakland Booty. (thanks A. Ray!). Also she’s super smart and funny and we have a lot in common and like each other. I guess it would be weird and sad if we didn’t like each other or have a lot in common… more like a marriage.

I Am Working A Ton.
Frequently with super fucking awesome people. Like Christopher Loyd.

I Rode in an Elevator with Jason Bateman and He Asked Me Where I Was Going.
So, Clearly, I’ve “Made it.”

I Am Taking Classes and Writing A Ton.
Look for me to do a one man show here in the next year. The bar is very high here, but I am hoping my simple delivery and crushingly honest story telling will win the hearts and minds of fans everywhere… or something like that.

There’s a ton more stuff that’s happened, but basically I’m alive and on fire. I am in love with this weather, even if the traffic is shitty. There are so many awesome people here doing so much awesome stuff and I will write you a story soon about why I know this was the right choice. But you should know moving here was the right choice.

ex oh
N

This is what a bullet hole looks like in real life.