Value(d)

I was in Fred Meyers Thursday night using one of the Self Checkout islands, which could be the subject of a blog all their own, at which they have little machines that spit out coupons based on what you are in the act of purchasing or have purchased in the past. Until recently they were almost always WAY off base. Coupons for things like adult diapers, or yeast infection creams would spit out of the machine making a ticker tape like tail down the side of the self-checkout until the person doing the job of 7 people would come over and recycle them.

More recently the coupons have become increasingly accurate. Morningstar burgers and soysauge coupons have appeared along side discounts on natural soaps and cleaning agents, so I started paying more attention when checking out. This last Thursday when I was checking out I looked at the little thing being printed and it was for Viva brand paper towels. I thought, “Oh I’ve got those before, this thing is creepy but awesome…” Then I looked closer at the piece of paper. It was not a coupon. It said instead that if I bought Viva Brand Paper towels in the future that I would receive a coupon at that time good for a purchase after that purchase. So… it wasn’t a coupon, but a promissory note that a coupon would in fact be issued in the future providing I met the stipulations of this current un-coupon, i.e. dates quantities etc.

I’m sorry but what the fuck are you talking about Fred Meyer? Anyone who plans purchases based on the promise of future coupon disbursement is a desperate and confused individual who needs to find something, ANYTHING to fill the hours of the night when they are alone, and the television is on, and they don’t want to think about work but they can’t think about anything else, and jesus why is it so hard to meet people anymore, it used to be so much easier when they were younger, but now I just look at pictures of people on the internet and think about funny things to say if I were around them and god if I could just meet someone… anyone… maybe I’ll take up a new hobby or learn to play the piano or something… I bet I could meet someone if I took an improv class or went to an open mic, but those things are scary and totally weird and anyway I’d probably just end up not liking their views on the current administration or whatever religion they were born into, so I should probably just color coordinate my coupons cause this Saturday is that awesome LaborDay/Memorial Day/ Thanksgiving/Xmas/Easter/Mothers Day/Fathers Day/May Day/9-11/Autumnal Equinox sale that I purchased four cases of Annie’s Organic Mac and Cheese in order to get coupons for Seventh Generation Laundry detergent which will already be on sale so…

NOT REDEEMABLE FOR A GODDAMN THING.

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