Archive for May, 2012

An Idiots Guide to Online Dating 1.0

In light of my recent foray into online dating I’ve decided to offer some helpful hints in the hopes of sparing some of you the heartache and enormous amounts of time that I’ve wasted. Today we’ll tackle some do’s and don’ts of your profile composition.

1. Profile Picture.

Your profile picture is of the utmost importance. It’s the first thing that your potential mate will see, and if you are not rich, or don’t have a radical personality then it is the ONLY arrow in your quiver.

Remember Fellas, if you have great abs, take your shirt off in most or all of the pictures. Pointing to the abs helps as well. If you have ever engaged in an outdoor, physically oriented activity (i.e. camping, skydiving, dog walking) and have a picture to prove it, make sure to post that as well. Even if you’ve only ever done that activity once.

2. A Little About You.

When actually composing the text that will make up the body of the profile you have to put your best foot forward, and that can require some limber language.

For example I can’t just say “Commitment challenged 33 year old with propensity for short relationships seeks 25-38 year old woman who is unavailable emotionally or otherwise. Live far away? Even better. Married? I’m in love.”

I have to be more creative, which is not to say ‘lie’. But something like, “Outgoing hilarity artist seeks partner in crime! I’m looking for a Bonnie to my Clyde. Someone with whom to watch the sun set and rise again, someone to sneak wine into a theater with, someone who wants to kiss in every corner of the city…” That coupled with carefully curated lists of Music/Movies/Literature/Art, containing just the right amounts of weighted melancholy and popular frivolity, will nearly guarantee interest in your profile.

3. Who Are You?

Think long and hard about who you really are, and remember to not just be yourself, but be the best version of yourself you see ever being possible…

… and if that doesn’t work, try being tall.



This was an actual conversation I had with someone I met off OKCupid via text message. (I’m the green for the non-iphone users.)

After a bit of a silence she then said, “Does it turn you off that I live with my mom?”

In a word? Yes.
The fact that you used that phrase that way, combined with the fact that you’re 37, work in a call center, AND live with your mom does, in fact, ‘turn me off’.

OK Stupid.

I have, once more, decided to try Internet Dating. Because I never learn from my mistakes, or the mistakes of others.

So last night I had an internet date.

Her profile had what a couple of my friends who are women called, “Red Flags”. But again, I’m not particularly prone to heeding warnings. It said she sings “Nookie”, by Limp Bizkit when she goes to karaoke… We assumed this was an Ironic choice, because really… how could it not be? It listed “Atlas Shrugged”, by Ayn Rand as her favorite book, she’d read it four times. Finally, and the thing I was most worried about, she lives in Santa Monica, which might as well be Oregon. I then confessed to mostly just liking her pictures and the pithy things that she said about her own photos.

As it turns out, Candy (not her real name), my date last night, does NOT in fact sing “Nookie” ironically. In fact, she works in the music industry and credits this to the fact that in COLLEGE someone introduced her to KORN. Fucking KORN. In COLLEGE. She then showed me a picture of her and Jonathan Davis at a Grammy party.

When I mentioned that I was a little bit shy about drinking and driving she proceeded to tell me about the BREATHALIZER that she purchased and keeps in her car. She bought a really expensive one because she never ever wanted to drink and drive due to a family tragedy that was SO tragic I feel a moral obligation to omit it from this story on the very very small chance that she may one day read this.

Finally, she is from Arizona, and her dad is the Vice President of some company. Meaning she really, really, really does subscribe to the Ayn Rand Libertarian/Ron Paul view of the world, also, without irony.

All this aside she was cute, and tall, and sweet, so we kissed beside her car.
She was a good kisser.

I probably won’t call her again.

This is the lead singer of KORN.

KORN? Really...?