Posts Tagged 'love'

An Idiots Guide to Online Dating 1.0

In light of my recent foray into online dating I’ve decided to offer some helpful hints in the hopes of sparing some of you the heartache and enormous amounts of time that I’ve wasted. Today we’ll tackle some do’s and don’ts of your profile composition.

1. Profile Picture.

Your profile picture is of the utmost importance. It’s the first thing that your potential mate will see, and if you are not rich, or don’t have a radical personality then it is the ONLY arrow in your quiver.

Remember Fellas, if you have great abs, take your shirt off in most or all of the pictures. Pointing to the abs helps as well. If you have ever engaged in an outdoor, physically oriented activity (i.e. camping, skydiving, dog walking) and have a picture to prove it, make sure to post that as well. Even if you’ve only ever done that activity once.

2. A Little About You.

When actually composing the text that will make up the body of the profile you have to put your best foot forward, and that can require some limber language.

For example I can’t just say “Commitment challenged 33 year old with propensity for short relationships seeks 25-38 year old woman who is unavailable emotionally or otherwise. Live far away? Even better. Married? I’m in love.”

I have to be more creative, which is not to say ‘lie’. But something like, “Outgoing hilarity artist seeks partner in crime! I’m looking for a Bonnie to my Clyde. Someone with whom to watch the sun set and rise again, someone to sneak wine into a theater with, someone who wants to kiss in every corner of the city…” That coupled with carefully curated lists of Music/Movies/Literature/Art, containing just the right amounts of weighted melancholy and popular frivolity, will nearly guarantee interest in your profile.

3. Who Are You?

Think long and hard about who you really are, and remember to not just be yourself, but be the best version of yourself you see ever being possible…

… and if that doesn’t work, try being tall.


I am leaving you.

Endings are strange things. We go to a party and stand in small circles and remind each other that we do not forget. We laugh at the bad things that happened and how bad they were, and we cry for the good things that happened and how good they were. The laughs are talismans against future bad things, and the tears are little sacrifices in the hopes that the good things will come again.

As I race around this city preparing to leave it I am making little lists. I am sending out little prayers to all the people that shared all of those moments. I am saying, I do not forget. I do not forget the cups of coffee. The laughing. The bedrooms. The sunrises. The flat tires. The sing-a-longs. The black eyes. The kisses. The bathrooms. The dances. The nights. The night.

I am leaving you Portland Oregon. Now that I am leaving the city is blooming again. The pollen of each of these events is falling down around me and sometimes I find myself, very unexpectedly, in a place I have not been for a long time. Or loving something I have not loved for a long time.

When this happens I stop and I remember, and I remind myself that only from the end does the beginning ever look this good.