Posts Tagged 'total bullshit'

An Idiots Guide to Online Dating 1.0

In light of my recent foray into online dating I’ve decided to offer some helpful hints in the hopes of sparing some of you the heartache and enormous amounts of time that I’ve wasted. Today we’ll tackle some do’s and don’ts of your profile composition.

1. Profile Picture.

Your profile picture is of the utmost importance. It’s the first thing that your potential mate will see, and if you are not rich, or don’t have a radical personality then it is the ONLY arrow in your quiver.

Remember Fellas, if you have great abs, take your shirt off in most or all of the pictures. Pointing to the abs helps as well. If you have ever engaged in an outdoor, physically oriented activity (i.e. camping, skydiving, dog walking) and have a picture to prove it, make sure to post that as well. Even if you’ve only ever done that activity once.

2. A Little About You.

When actually composing the text that will make up the body of the profile you have to put your best foot forward, and that can require some limber language.

For example I can’t just say “Commitment challenged 33 year old with propensity for short relationships seeks 25-38 year old woman who is unavailable emotionally or otherwise. Live far away? Even better. Married? I’m in love.”

I have to be more creative, which is not to say ‘lie’. But something like, “Outgoing hilarity artist seeks partner in crime! I’m looking for a Bonnie to my Clyde. Someone with whom to watch the sun set and rise again, someone to sneak wine into a theater with, someone who wants to kiss in every corner of the city…” That coupled with carefully curated lists of Music/Movies/Literature/Art, containing just the right amounts of weighted melancholy and popular frivolity, will nearly guarantee interest in your profile.

3. Who Are You?

Think long and hard about who you really are, and remember to not just be yourself, but be the best version of yourself you see ever being possible…

… and if that doesn’t work, try being tall.


We Are Fucked (3)

Take my money... Please.

Look closely in the right hand corner of this photo.
These dryer sheets will not only eliminate static, they’ll make your laundry smell like fresh linen. They will make your laundry smell, LIKE FRESH FUCKING LAUNDRY.

It’s not even CLEVER. It’s the marketing equivalent of a hobo with a sign that says, “Why lie… i need a beer.” No shit dickhead. Thanks for ruining this for both of us. How am I supposed to give a bum money if we don’t both pretend it’s the right thing to do to help him feed himself. Likewise for you Bounce… at least make it smell like some other bullshit flavor. My favorite being “Rain”…

Other new products to be on the look out for are: Milk Flavored Milk, Baguette flavored bread, and Pie flavored Pumpkins.

We Are Fucked. (2)

You know, I don’t like cynicism. It’s not a good quality to have generally. But, are you really telling me that people really need a 20 dollar “stainless steel” box to put their plastic grocery bags in? The funniest about this is that it tells you how many you can fit in it. Max 50 bags. What do you do after that? Throw the bags in the garbage? Buy another box? Recycle the bags? Hopefully the answer is in the manual cause I’m at a loss if it’s not.